


I will leave you to wonder (what will become of our lives)

by emilia_kaisa



Series: Eurovision Song Challenge [18]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Break Up, EurovisonSongChallenge, M/M, Not Beta Read, Russia, general misery and sadness, scream
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-18
Updated: 2020-02-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:41:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22791919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilia_kaisa/pseuds/emilia_kaisa
Summary: No, I can't stay here longerYou cannot make me crySo, I will leave you to wonderWhat will become of our lives
Relationships: Javier Fernández/Yuzuru Hanyu
Series: Eurovision Song Challenge [18]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1619623
Comments: 8
Kudos: 21





	I will leave you to wonder (what will become of our lives)

**Author's Note:**

> Song and fic nr 18: 'Scream' by Sergey Lazarev (this is such a good song okay???)  
> As you can judge from the tags, pain and suffering coming! I really enjoyed writing it tho, so I hope you will too :p

_ No, I can't stay here longer _

_ You cannot make me cry _

_ So, I will leave you to wonder _

_ What will become of our lives _

"Javi, hey, wait, let's talk-"

"We just did." Javi choked out as he kept on walking, determined not to stop, and not let Yuzuru see his face "And all is clear, it's fine."

"But-"

"Just let me fucking come to terms with it, okay?" Javi snapped, an edge of hysteria in his voice, and Yuzuru gasped loudly, but he stopped, his footsteps not following Javi anymore.

Good. At least he could give him that.

He was holding himself pretty well, biting his lip and staring ahead. It was okay, he just had to get home, get something to drink, crawl under the blanket and survive the night, and another day, until his heart and bones would stop hurting as if his body was about to fall apart.

It was going to be okay. Javi would have to change his entire life once again, but at least he had clarity now, no matter how much it hurt.

His head was pulsing with pain, as if all the emotions he was trying to suppress now wanted to get out, so he leaned against a bus window, sighing quietly when cold glass touched his aching temple.

Javi closed his eyes, focusing on figuring out what he was supposed to do now. He for sure needed to have a talk with Brian, ask for rescheduling and also giving him heads up that Javi would probably like to leave soon, or at least take some time off.

Javi gulped, eyes opening rapidly as he felt his insides twisting painfully, a little pained whine escaping his lips. He was still a few stops away from home, but when the bus pulled over he tumbled out of the vehicle and into the nearest alley.

He threw up, his stomach clenching painfully, tears burning in his eyes, but he wiped them away with back of his hand before reaching to his bag and taking a few sips of water.

_ I'll swallow hard, fall apart _

_ Break and bleed but you won't see _

He was glad that he had a scarf, so he could hide the most of his face behind it, sparing people the sight of his twisted expression, an awful grimace on his lips as he walked, fast, faster, wanting to hide from the world as soon as possible so he would be able to let everything out.

_ It's over. Just like that, it's over. _

He thought he was holding himself together pretty well, surprisingly well, but the moment the door of his apartment closed behind him he teetered, leaning against the nearest wall heavily, trying to breathe through his open mouth, but the pressure in his chest and pain in his stomach were only growing closer and Javi cursed breathlessly, taking his phone out and typing with stiff fingers.

"Javi, what the hell." Laura murmured, voice sleepy and annoyed "Time zones, for fuck's sake."

"Talk to me." Javi pleaded, choking on air and pressing his eyes shut "Just talk to me for a moment, please, how was your day-"

Laura gasped quietly on the other side of the line, and Javi registered some rapid fumbling, as if she was getting out of bed and now pacing around her room.

"Okay, huh, my day was crazy. It's so nice to hear you, brother, so nice of you to call." Laura stammered, trying to sound warm and normal, but worry was clear in her voice, and Javi hated to put her in that situation, but she knew what to do.

"I had really weird day, we had those dudes dressed as clowns paying the visit to cheer the kids up, they were loving it but damn these days I can't help but find them a little bit creepy?"

"They're so scary." Javi wheezed and Laura swallowed hard, and Javi thought that he heard cracking of the balcony door in her room.

"The air is so refreshing at night, huh. Gonna take a few deep breaths now." she said and then started breathing slow and deep, and Javi followed her, his eyes still tightly shut as he focused on filling his burning lungs with air, until his throat wasn't so painfully tight anymore.

"Javi?" Laura asked anxiously and Javi opened his eyes, forcing his tired legs to carry him to the sofa.

"I'm fine." he sighed "Thank you."

"What happened?"

The room was dark since Javi hadn't switched the light on, and it felt strangely calming, as if shadows could guard him from the world.

"He said he wanted a break. Or more like, he announced that we were taking a break."

Was it normal, to feel so empty suddenly?

"Wh- what? Why?"

"He said he needed to focus. And apparently I'm too much of a distraction now. Now, after a year of a fucking relationship, I'm a distraction."

"I-"

"And he had fucking audacity to tell me- you know what, I don't even want to repeat that. I-" his voice broke down a little, and he had to clear his throat before finishing the sentence, more quiet than before "So I told him that I'm not going to do that. That we either work together, or I'm out. And-" he chuckled pathetically and didn't add a word, feeling everything coiling inside him again, and he needed a moment to collect himself.

"Oh Javi." Laura murmured, her voice full of love and sympathy "Are you sure?"

"Am I sure this is over?" Javi asked, the words leaving sharp cuts in his throat "I moved here because he asked me. I left you and mom, and dad, and everything I was doing, because he asked me. Because I thought that one day he would choose me, he would really choose me, but he keeps putting everything above me, and even that fucking jump is more important than me, and I don't want to, I'm not going to let him-"

"Javi, Javi, shhh-" Laura said soothingly, and Javi realized that he was basically screaming now, his throat sore, and he sighed deeply, deflating.

"Sorry."

"Don't ever apologize."  Laura whispered "What is going to happen now?"

"Now, I need to take care of some things." Javi said tiredly, rubbing his forehead in an attempt to ease a headache that was coming back to him "And then, I will come home."

"I will be waiting here with cheap wine and your favorite blanket." Laura said softly "I love you, Javi. And I'm so sorry."

"Me too, Laura." Javi whispered "Me too."

_ I'll swallow hard, fall apart _

_ Break and bleed but you won't see _

_ Tears will fall, I hear them all _

_ They scream _

He spent most of the night howling into the pillow, letting all the bitterness and love leave his body, and when he woke up from a shallow nap, it was 7am and time to get up if he wanted to make it for his first class.

He drank three glasses of water and took a long, hot shower, water soothing his aching muscles.

And then, Javi went back to the bedroom, opened Yuzuru's drawer and took all of his things out, packing them into a small bag.

He refused himself to feel a thing.

If he did, he would collapse and never get up.

_ Though my throat is on fire _

_ My eyes will be liars _

_ And they try to stay drier _

_ Until you turn away _

* * *

"Here." he said, dropping the bag to the floor and looking at Yuzuru's face "I think I got everything."

"Javi." Yuzuru sighed, and it was kind of a satisfying that he looked like he had slept like shit too "Can we talk?"

"We can talk only in one case." Javi said blankly, not letting himself to feel even the tiniest spark of hope "Only if you say that you were an idiot, and you will never suggest shit like that again."

Yuzuru only stared at him, lips pressed tight and face paling, and Javi nodded, hating himself that he wasn't even feeling surprised.

"I love you, more than I loved anyone." he said quietly "But I can't keep on putting you first when you can't do the same in return. I can't. And I'm not going to apologize for that."

"I know." Yuzuru said quietly, his voice trembling "I'm sorry." he added pathetically and Javi almost laughed.

_ Don't apologize for your own choices. _

"I know." he answered simply "Good luck on your training today."

He left without looking back, feeling Yuzuru's eyes boring into the back of his head, and he walked faster, his chest filling with heavy, bitter wave.

He didn't start crying until he was back at his apartment, sitting on the floor and folding his clothes, tears streaming down his face silently as he started rebuilding his life once again.

_ Not so silent and innocent _

_ Acid rain from your fingerprints _

_ Echoes, rivers of loneliness _

_ Hitting the walls of my heart _

_ They scream _   
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> *peeks from under a rock* thank you so much for reading!


End file.
